Use 3A’s next time someone says “You don’t understand!”
My internship in a values-oriented dating start-up gave me insights into the fundamentals of how humans are structured to understand each other. In Relate, they have devised a methodology that allows one to connect to another person authentically while understanding your inner self.
Going through the exercise allowed me to comprehend my behaviours better, and at the same time, understand why others behave the way they are. When people have different values, they act upon what they believe is the way they’ve been brought up to. Most of the issues between people are due to a lack of communication of what they individually believe. Beneath this, the root cause stems from a lack of interest in trying to understand why people behave a certain way or why others don’t understand you.
So I started to take on a 3 As approach when facing these issues, and I use it to help me understand, which ultimately improves on relationships between each other. Above all, before we take any feedback into consideration, it’s critical to assess whether that feedback acts as an improvement that you want in your life. Ultimately, some people’s opinions are really just for themselves.
First A, Acknowledge.
When others communicate about the issues they have with us, it’s easy for us to take on a defensive stance. We are all imperfect, so why is it something that the other person feels the need to highlight? You have your flaws too, I don’t shove them in front of your face all the time.
It can be hard for us to understand where they are coming from, and it’s common for people to go with what we are used to; Ourselves. To admit a trait that we have encapsulated/formed our identity as a flaw isn’t going to be a “you are right, let me iron this crease for ya.”
BUT, what we can do is to understand that this behaviour is one that others are not comfortable with, and not necessarily your issue. By acknowledging that, we are showing a form of understanding to the other party. At the same time, consciously taking notes of who we appeared to be (even if it’s not the intention).
People tend to be example-driven when it comes to their unhappiness, we have to differentiate if it was an anomaly or an intentional practice. By learning to identify who or what causes you to act a certain way, we can grow to be aware of ourselves.
Second A, Acceptance.
People point out issues that they don’t sit well with such as “You are too direct.”, “You speak so softly.”, “It doesn’t have to be perfect.”. But what one doesn’t sit well with, may be an inherent characteristic that others love about you. After recognising the differences, we have to make a judgement on whether we are happy with ourselves this way or if we want to work on that.
This is actually the hardest part of a feedback loop. Acknowledgment is only understanding that it is a part of who you are. People who have been used to their behaviours acknowledge or even agree hastily that it is something they do or have. But if they are interested in changing, they would have accepted that it is an unpleasant trait to others.
Take example a friend of mine, A. A had people highlighted that he was scrupulous in his spendings or as others see it; a cheapskate. Once we ate at his place, and he offered portions that were not sufficient for everyone. When he served the food, he can’t help but sheepishly highlight that “It looks like there’s not enough to go around~”
What A has clearly displayed is that while he has acknowledged that he’s stingy, and he’s embarrassed about this, he has not fully accepted that it is who he is.
Acceptance is about embracing that it is part of who you are. Only when this stage has been achieved, we can look towards improving ourselves for the better.
Last A, Adjustment.
Adjustment is not only about changing to be your ideal image. It is also about helping others to understand that this has been you.
The last step once we have become aware and embraced the traits that we want to shed is to adjust our behaviours to:
- Identify when it happens,
- Evaluate the situation &
- Work on the outcome we want to achieve
It requires practise to change from a habit that we have been used to, to adapt to be the bigger person we aspire to be.
But, this is challenging. Some of us are brought up with values ingrained in our lives, but we’ve seen people who managed to adapt to behaviours along the road. If we reach the point where it becomes too exhausting to maintain something that we aren’t, we adjust to set expectations with others.
Let those who matter know that this is how you react and behave. It sets the stage right for who they are going to be with. It takes awareness of the self to guide others on how to interact with you, in the best way that suits your relationship.
The 3 As sound easy, but they take conscientious and mindful practices of ourselves. With the overwhelming issues around us, we can often lose sight of our identity. Being aware of ourselves is the first step to helping others keep our identity too. Try taking on a 3A approach when others voice out the mismatch in expectations next time someone says “You don’t understand!”.
